i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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