I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
