where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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