how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
