Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
