Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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