My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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