As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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