Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Randomize
