remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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