I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
