Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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