Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
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