I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
