I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
