I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Randomize
