mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
