Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
