I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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