a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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