my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
