my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
