a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
