last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
