I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
