The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
