You just made me feel so damn special
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
