so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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