Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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