And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
