I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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