guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
