did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
