okay pat passed out under dana's car
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
