How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
