Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
