what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
