Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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