I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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