You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
