I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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