i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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