tonight lets celebrate not being married
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
