Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
