You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
