I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
