there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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