There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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