you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
