I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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