My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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