awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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