we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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