Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
