i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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