Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
