Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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