If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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