my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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