Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I would fuck him just for his dog
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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