I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize