I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
