She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize