I wish you could order shots online.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
