but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
