Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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